The VamPotter Chronicles
by Arrmaitee
Summary: NEW CH. 2! SLASH! PARODY! Vampire!Draco is on the prowl. But will his whooping cough prevent him from seducing The Boy Who Lived?
1. Bloody Harry

**The VamPotter Chronicles**

**by **

**_Arrmaitee_******

**DISCLAIMERS: **

This parody is RATED R and includes lots of _Harry Potter_ SLASH!

This parody is not authorized by and is in no way affiliated with Anne Rice or her series, _The Vampire Chronicles_. In this regard, Anne Rice's "copyrighted" characters will not appear in this fanfic. This is a _Harry Potter_ fanfic written for the _Harry Potter_ fandom, and any vampires involved will not be named Lestat or Louis. Don't worry, Anne, we can live without you...

This parody is based on characters and situations created and owned by J.K. Rowling, and various publishers, including but not limited to: Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books, Raincoast Books and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made by this story and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

**Chapter 1: Bloody Harry**

Draco stirred in his coffin in the Slytherin dungeon. From the eerie pall cast by the moonlight and the grating howl of Lupin prowling without his werewolf meds, Draco realized that it was now ten 'til midnight. And he knew that it was time for him to feed.

Draco hadn't always been a vampire. He used to be a stuck-up, closet case who spent his first six years at Hogwarts hoping to have Potter pop his precious. One night, Draco climbed up naked to the top of the Astronomy Tower hoping to reenact _From Here To Eternity_ with his "one true pairing," but Potter was nowhere to be found. Instead, it was a vampire that answered his mating call. Twenty minutes later, Draco awoke in the infirmary with a splitting headache and one hell of a hickey.

That was three weeks ago. And for three weeks, Draco hadn't fed. But now he was determined to drain Potter and make him his bitch. There was only one problem. Draco had recently caught a bad case of the whooping cough, and he wasn't sure whether his hacking would work in derogation of his animal magnetism.

Draco arose from his coffin and gasped. Pansy Parkinson was lying naked on a full length silver platter holding a solitary, long-stem, red rose and arching her neckline. Draco was nauseated at the sight. Pansy knew this was an OOC slash fanfic. What the fuck was she thinking!

Draco stepped over his virgin offering and walked into the lavatory to get ready for his first… bite. He was paler that usual… but hopefully Potter was into the porcelain look. Draco fixed his hair, put on his finest silk cape and headed for the stairs. Potter better have received his note.

It was a long hike up the Astronomy Tower, and by the time Draco arrived he was STARVING!!!!! Draco paused at the top of the stairs. Potter was there… waiting for him. They would finally be together.

"What d'you want to talk to me about, Malfoy?" Harry sneered. Draco quickly minimized the distance between them, and whispered into Potter's ear.

"I vant… to suck… your… [COUGH][HACK]!"

"What?" Harry leapt back, looking slightly nauseated. "Are you alright?"

Damn whooping cough. Draco held his breath and seductively approached his prey.

"Potteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer, look into my eyes. I vant… to suck… your [CHOKE][HICCUP]!"

Harry jumped back again, seeming concerned. "But I thought we were arch enemies. I realize that this is an OOC slash fanfic, but my dogmatic sense of self refuses to cave to the deranged fantasies of a twisted author who should be doing his homework instead of writing this trash!"

The little bitch was playing hard to get. Draco would have to take another tactic.

"PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE!" Draco begged, falling on his knees and soiling his freshly pressed cape. "LET ME SUCK YOUR [GASP][HACK][COUGH]!"

"Umm… are you sure you're not contagious?" Harry asked nervously. Draco suppressed a cough and shook his head.

"Well, if you insist," Harry replied, unbuttoning his jeans and exposing his thirteen inch burrito [alright, it was really six and a half inches, but Draco was so famished he was seeing double].

"I insist," Draco replied, grasping Potter's beefcake and looking for a nice juicy vein.

Draco found a juicy vein in Potter's dong. The vein was kinda small, but it would have to do. Draco opened his mouth, exposed his pearly white fangs, and sank them into Potter's ripe banana.

"OH MY GOD!!!!" Harry screamed. "DON'T USE YOUR TEETH!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"

-----------------

After six hours, five pints of blood, and two love bites in Potter's shaft, Draco awoke to find a very pale Potter lying naked next to him in his coffin in the Slytherin dungeon. Draco snuggled up to his newly mangled boyfriend, and whispered:

"So how was it for you?"

**_Finis_**

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	2. The Midnight Rendezvous

**Chapter 2: The Midnight Rendezvous**

Remus Lupin woke up from his pre-prowl nap, rubbed his beady amber eyes and glared up at the clear night sky. The moon was full… again. _What the fuck?_ The moon had been full for the past three weeks! There had to be sorcery involved… and Remus vowed to get to the bottom of it and, of course, to eat the offending sorcerer alive.

Remus crawled out of his den in the Shrieking Shack and scampered stealthily up to the Hogwarts grounds. It was after midnight, and the grounds were haunted by an eerie silence. Someone was watching him. Suddenly, a silver bullet whizzed past his right ear. Then a silver stake skimmed past his tail. Fuck. Filch caught him again. The bastard must still be upset about the time Remus accidentally snacked on Mrs. Norris.

"You ate my cat!" Filch screamed into the darkness. "I'LL KILL YOU!!!!"

"Rolf yip growl!" Remus barked back.

(_Translation_ - "But... I just wanted to eat some pussy! I thought she was Professor McGonagall!")

"NOW I'LL REALLY KILL YOU!" Filch bellowed, flinging a silver pitchfork at the werewolf.

Remus dashed across the grounds, dodging silver bullets, forks, rakes, watches and candlestick holders before arriving at a cemetery, located conveniently in the back of the castle.

'Where the hell did a graveyard come from?' Remus wondered. A heavy fog enveloped the burial ground. Remus quickly hid behind a moss-covered tombstone so that Filch would not nail him with any more silver gadgets. Remus heard Filch's voice fade into the distance. The werewolf whimpered with relief.

Suddenly, Remus felt something moving by his right front paw; the ground under the tombstone was giving way. He froze… what was going on? And then a manly fist reached out of the grave and grasped his paw. Remus bared his fangs and was about to attack when he froze, shocked to realize who was buried in this gravesite.

"Woof? Woof?" Remus barked, startled.

(_Translation_ - "Padfoot? What're you doing here? I thought you were dead!")

Sirius "Padfoot" Black crawled out of an unmarked grave, dusted himself off, and then began stroking the fur on the nape of Remus' neck.

"I'm back," Sirius replied devilishly.

Remus glared strangely at his best mate.

"Woof woofiewoof arf!" Remus barked again.

(_Translation_ - "But… I saw you fall through the Veil! I saw you die! We couldn't even recover your body from the Department of Mysteries! How the fuck did you get resurrected? And where did this graveyard come from?")

"I'm back," Sirius replied again, this time stroking Remus' tail erotically.

The werewolf glared angrily into Sirius' fathomless grey eyes.

"Grrrr arf yip!" Remus stated indignantly.

(_Translation_ - "I don't fucking believe this! I've had a crush on you since we were schoolboys, and NOW you decide you want some tail?")

"I'm back," Sirius replied a third time, this time transforming into an enormous, jet black dog, mounting Remus, and preparing to impale him doggy-style with his siriusly long schlong.

Remus quivered with anticipation. He knew what was about to happen. He had fantasized about losing his virginity to Padfoot his entire life, and now, due to the deranged fantasy of a twisted author who has an unhealthy obsession with necrophilia, it would finally happen… Remus "Moony" Lupin would finally be deflowered by Animagus Black... as canines... in the graveyard. _How romantic!_

Remus held his breath, arched his back, and then instinctively whispered.

"W… woof…"

(_Translation_ - "I... love you, Padfoot.")

Remus turned his head and looked at a horrified Sirius Black, who quickly leapt off the werewolf, transformed back into his human form, and climbed back into his unmarked grave. As the ground above the grave sealed up, Remus thought he heard Padfoot hiss:

"Dammit Moony, you had to kill the mood!"

**_Finis_****  
  
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